Rest In Peace

You are not dead...but yet in every moment I am praying for your soul,
I pray for you that prison is not getting old,
For you have barely done even half of your conviction,
When people ask where my father is I can not even begin to say the sentence,
A cold hard truth,
A burden that is heavy to carry,
For what you have done fuels so much hatred I could fly through the roof,
For you are to blame for the struggles of many,
If you did not want to love my mother...why marry?
You are a lair and a phonie,
You say you care...so why didn't you take the time to get to know me?
You say that you would be there til the end if you were able,
You need help...just try to remain stable,
I dont want you to feel badly because I have moved on,
When you get out of prison you will realize that Rachel is gone,
Lost her self in the depth of sorrow,
A day in my shoes..
A pain you need to borrow...
My dreams still hide in fear of you,
I look at myself and you come to mind,
I will pass the 10th grade...the first of my kind!
How pathedic,
A wasted life you are.

Answer Me!

I am not talking for my health,
Listen to what I have to say and shut your mouth,
What I have to say is important and vital,
I should be listened to...regardless of me being a child,
I try to stay motivated,
But I am so tired of being downgraded

The un lucky one

Momma tells me to get some rest,
And that patience is one of loves tests,
But I can't help wonder about you and where you are,
A hard life...your success I beg upon a shooting star,
Waiting for my phone to ring,
But it's not you. Nothing less than disappointing,
It's wrong... But who said?
I am anxious to read what you have written me,
I feel like a lunatic... Is it that crazy?
I seem to get what nobody else can comprehend,
But you are so intriguing...where to start? Better yet.. Where to end?
All I know is I like him.
It takes little effort for me to notice whom they are...but why do they always have to be so bad? I am prepared...waiting to run to dad,
But if you hold good judgment,
You have nobody to blame if you foolishly forget-
Who you are and all  that makes you stand tall.

Miss it

I have quick and clever mind,
I walk a straight but no specific line,
I speak my mind,
When I am confused I just give it time,
I am confident in the decisions that I make,
When I want immediate answer I will just wait,
The wind will blow as the hills flowers grow,
And the roof tops of houses will be covered in fluffy now...
But when the time comes-let me go.

15 years no bail

I said I would never return,
I open my hands and let free my thoughts,
My memories are on fire-good-let them burn,
May the horror house begin to rot,
Now its my turn,
I look in the mirror and your brown eyes pierce my mind,
Of course I fell victim... I am your kind,
I have dreams of your face as I peer into the mirror,
I laugh and look around because its your laugh that I hear,
I look at my golden skin and think of yours,
I have missed saying that I love you....
You have caused me many tears and have replenished my fears,
But your memory I will forever hold dear,
I miss holding your rough hand and shaving my pretend beard,
I miss your grimy shirts and calling you a grease ball,
I miss you.
My brown eyes reflect a vivid picture of yours...
When it rains it pours,
I remember when you'd get drunk,
The secret stash hidden in the trunk,
You thought I didn't know...how could I not?
In your memories I am forever caught,
In you web I am your forever prey...
You are gone...but you are here day by day,
The house was empty...momma was crying "Please don't hit me",
All those screams still  haunt my dreams.

Yup... Im that girl...

I am the girl that sings in the shower.
I am the silly girl that races with the time on the microwave...multitasking,
I am the blunt girl that tells you what I think-even when you weren't asking,
I am that girl.....
I believe in "Happy Ever Afters",
I believe in laughter,
I am that girl nobody understands...
I am that girl that has the world in her hands,
I am that girl...
I am that girl who believes in second chances,
I believe that accidents happen,
I am that girl who dances in the rain and prances through the hot fields of daisy's,
I am loved and just maybe....
I am not meant to change,
I am beautiful and free...
I am that girl that confesses I am no perfect... but only whom I wish to be...

Failure.

You are a liar,
Seeing yourself do well...that only fueled your silly fire,
How do you do such a THING!
You lied to me,
You disappointed your entire family,
But that is nothing new to you,
I thought you were getting through!
But you sadly... lied,
I hope you enjoy your wasted life,
The only stupid mistake is the one that doesn't teach a lesson,
You were almost there... but then the devil got to testin...
You you have fallen victim,
But that's okay... I will make sure that your grave is visited,
You left home,
The only safe place you have ever known,
You try to escape your past,
But it's yourself you been runnin from... but your freedom isn't bound to last,
You are really dumb... and I have been let down by you,
The worst part about ya is not knowing...
Where you at and where you are going...
I hope that you are safe,
I hope that you are aware,
That the person whom you hate most... only glares,
Back at you as you peer in the mirror.

Body Languge

I know that I sometimes can be hard to get,
But how do you not notice my frustration and the hand on my hip?
I am grumpy and you don't notice,
But why tell you ...it shouldn't be your focus,
I am resting my body for it to repair itself for yet another stressful week ahead,
I am anxious and have a steady pounding throb in my head,
My body aches and mind goes blank,
I really wish not to think....
I want to run away to the beach,
Be alone-nobody but me,
Because in the end- I will always be crazy,
I like what I like and know what I know,
I am not a baby... so let it go...
I am lonely...well past my needed sleep,
My rooms a mess and my anger goes a thousand feet deep...
Kinda like the Titanic-you only see the peek,
My face is home to the black circles under my eyes,
Being such a good actress is only furthering my disguise,
You can only tell me what you want me to do- good luck making me,
You can only say...and there is no shakin me...
My words come out how they please,
I don't see any use of having opinions if they can't be freed,
My soul longs for what it can't have,
For I frequently question what has gone wrong...why do I feel so bad?
I don't want to think...and don't want to go to church,
I should have known being forced to do something would never of worked...
I am pissed. Why? Well now that, is a good question...I feel like sh**,
I feel so bitter... I am almost sick,
Why? Now that is a mighty fine question...

Thank you for loving me.

My blood runs deep,
My mind dreams of joy as I sleep,
My heart beats with joy and love,
My forever abundance of love fills the cup full when you are thirsty,
You won't ever tell me-but you can always confide in me,
When you are sad and have had enough,
I will be there-even though it's not my joy-maybe then it won't be so rough,
You make me laugh even though I try to fight it,
You have saved me-I will never forget,
I have a beautiful life,
And always wear a smile,
I can trust in you with all my heart and for you I strive,
I have no more denial,
My heart is at rest,
Being loved is the best,
All I ever needed was a helping hand,
A family whom always understands,
A joyous song to hum,
Pulsing veins full of love,
If tomorrow is to accept my death,
I will be beautifully happy-until I consume my last breathe,
I will be laid to rest with without any regrets,
I was loved and learned to love... I am afraid of no such secret,
I learned to take control and smile with every ounce of sorrow,
Which has prepared me for the heartache of tomorrow,
I am overwhelmed by admiration and support,
I am forever shielded from my enemies grasp,
I have the true golden ticket-for mine shall eternally last,
I was given a second chance to love,
Thank God for I was chosen,
My heart has a pulse-it no longer is painfully frozen,
Thank the angels above,
My mind knows of nothing but your never ending love.

The choice is yours

Its the feeling of not wanting to say goodbye,
Its the feeling of not wanting to say hello,
Its the wondering of how it would feel to die,
But being too afraid to let go,
Its the feeling of being alone,
But with people you are crowded,
You want the anger to end-but its just started,
You want to be happy and just stop being doubted,
Its the feeling of wanting to pause the clocks,
Its the feeling of wanting to run away from your problems-though once you return-they patiently await,
Its wanting to taste the salty water and to dive off the rocks,
Its avoiding pain and trying to change fate,
Its doing what you please because nothing will last forever,
There is a set date,
In life it doesn't matter how much money you have or if you are cleaver,
Because there is a Heaven and a Hell...if you truly believe, only time will tell.

Invisable

When I am sad and in doubt,
I will forever seek you out,
With my mind and heart I will worship you for you have saved my restless soul,
You are the warming fire when my hands are growing cold,
You are the power that gives me strength,
You are the never ending energy that gives me hope to continue walking the length,
I will remain patient and loving when I am bitterly frisky,
I will continue to push even when I am so tired that I am dizzy,
Failure is not a word that I allow in my brain,
When I am ready to bust-I will stay sane,
I will always give thanks,
I know that it will be worth it when I see the Heavens golden lakes,
You give me happiness and peace,
A steady smile will always be,
Upon my face,
I am forever grateful- I have never ending grace.

A gust of wind

Your memory seems to come and go,
The way I would climb out my window late at night,
There are things I wish you could have know,
 Maybe then things would  have been alright,
You were my comfort and friend,
A mischievous source of energy,
My light at the end,
And even though you are gone- will forever be a part of me,
The sun would set and you and I would be hand in hand,
You were the only one that ever truly could always understand,
You kissed me goodbye and said that you would return,
Late at night I'd wait for you,
Knowing there was no way you would have gone back on your word,
But those times are through,
I still to this day wonder where you are,
Pray upon your soul with every shooting star,
The roses blossom and I start to wonder,
If you think of me too-and go back to that summer,
When we were carefree,
We danced in the rain and watched the thunder,
When I was all that mattered to you-and you were all that mattered to me.

Go Fetch

     For most kids, they go off of their parents religion, political standpoint-the list never ends. Eventually the child has to grow up, and search for their own reality. I will never make my children believe what I believe. But I will make sure they know the difference between following what I believe, and listening to what I say.
       I did not latch on to my parents beliefs, thank God, so there for I have my own ideas. My own proof and my own sense of security. If I say that I don't want to do something, I should not have to explain my reasoning. Just because I am young does not mean that I am illiterate. I can not be changed un-willingly, there for, when I say no, I don't need to explain myself to you. Nor do I want to. You can say what you want, and I will do so also. I know myself best. So go fetch. I know what I want and what I don't. Just because I am not telling you does not mean that I don't know. Because I do. You want to be in control because my age does not grant me that freedom. You want to be the boss because you don't know how to not be anything less.
    My relationships will be 50/50. When I am not listened to I become sad because like I said earlier, my age does not grant me the position to simply ignore you. Even though my mouth longs to stay shut, my  mind reminds my body of the consequences that silence could create.
     I will never ever open up if I feel uneasy. Would you like to guess how I feel? I am very complex, I would love to open up to you. But because you can not understand my unique thought process and my outlook on life, I am, again, uneasy. I love you very much. Almost to a point of sadness. You will never understand me. That, my friend, is something I am sure of. In order to get my point across, I have to understand myself.
     There is a difference between knowing what you want, and not understanding. I do know what I want. But my mouth remains clamped shut, even though my mind is reminding my body that consequences lye ahead due to my beliefs. I am hard headed. I have tried to change. I am supposed  to be this way. I am head strong. I can not, never have, and never will back down.
    I should not have to explain myself to you, because I don't want to. If I wanted to share with you, I would have. I don't need your permission to share, so don't feel obligated to tell me that you can handle the truth. Because you can't. Because I can't. You don't even have the slightest clue. The more you think you know, is actually the less you know. The more you think your getting somewhere, is the colder you get from the things that matter most. And that is waiting for me to tell you. So don't assume. You will know when I am ready to share. I may never come around, and that is fine. Because I have forgiven myself long ago and no longer need direction.
    I don't think it's fair to take advantage of my age. Because I am young, you feel the need to put in your two cent, even though I don't need it. You only say the things you do to make yourself feel better. You know that I don't need your silly thoughts, but you say what you say because if something were to happen, at least you could say: " See, told ya so!". But I am not worried. I have comfort and peace.
    In a sad way I question my honesty. Am I lying to myself? Am I only honest because if I am anything less I feel horrible inside? I wish I could lie. Don't get me wrong, I can. And can do a pretty good job at it. It's just I always eventually come clean. That is the part that is the worst. Seeing disappointed looks in the shallow eyes of  loved ones whom I have secretly sworn to protect and love.
They also then wonder if I am whom I say I am. There are too many parts of me that are confusing. I can see how people get the wrong idea...
    

My True Shade

To be honest, this is the only place I can be myself-my true self. All day I go about my business, pretending  that I am fine, and that nothing bothers me, but to be honest, I am bothered. I just want to tell these people to go fetch. I don't care what you think about me, I am who I am. I just wish you knew who the true Kierah that I know. I want somebody I can count on. Somebody to laugh with me, and make me feel all warm inside. And no, I am not talking about having a boyfriend. I just want a friend, a buddy that doesn't try so hard to understand me. Just somebody that I can tell everything to. Someone that honestly understands my humor and wit. Someone that will stay up late with me, paint each others toenails (though she is going to have to understand that feet are gross. And it is very likely so are hers. Feet give me the creeps), talk about last Fridays date... I just want a friend. I don't need anybody to make me happy, no man, no girl, but I just want somebody. Somebody to spend countless hours flipping through magazines and telling the latest stories about how my parents annoyed me. I just want a friend. To go ahead and grow up already! I want it all so badly. And the worst part about wanting something so badly; is not knowing what it is you are searching for. So many options and confusion, I wish there was some hidden guide in secret libraries that told you all the keys in life. I wish it had a "Do" and "Don't" list. But there is no such thing. There can't be. Some people are blessed and don't have to work very hard for things they want. Then there are people like me; whom struggle to put the puzzle pieces' together. Whether it be a constant struggle to do the right thing, or maybe it is putting food on the table. Either way, there is always going to be struggle in my life, because there is struggle everywhere. No person is perfect, nor is their life. I just have so many dreams and goals, I don't like not knowing... whatever it is that I don't know.

Freedom

When I die don't dwell in sadness,
Because I know I will be missed,
But I am in a better place,
I am long past the heavens gates,
I have had enough time to grow,
I am a pretty daisy swaying as the wind blows,
Hear my laughter as the seasons change,
Remember my humor as you dance in the rain,
Feel the cold water against your skin,
Don't let the fear keep you from diving in,
Remember my spirit-dangerously fun,
Laugh as you spot the finish line and break into a run,
Seek happiness and joy a a long time goal,
Be who you wish and seek knowledge as you grow old,
Tell stories about me and how I survived,
On a beautiful day seek my face in the heavenly sky,
I was so much more than what met the eye,
I was so lovely and free,
Stay true, that's all that matters to me.

A little bit about me

My name is Kierah Biggs. I don't ever really know how to answer where I am from, I moved around a lot in my life; whether I was shipped off to Oregon to live with my father or the past 3 and a half years of various foster homes. I don't know. I was born in Kalispell Montana, which is the main cause for many pictures in my mothers old photo albums of a little tan girl with pig-tails wearing a fluffy, pink snow coverall stuck in the snow with dried tears on her cheeks. I have always been the outcast in my family,but especially now, that I have been in the DCS system for almost 4 years. I have always been the loud, outspoken, "Don't care what you think", silly little girl that everybody had to think twice about. I was always smart and witty, loved to be around the people I adored. But over the years, I have realized that I was tested and disappointed, to be prepared for whatever it is awaits me. I can't stop reminiscing about how I am so lucky and blessed, for a reason. I am to do big things, and nothing ever happens on my time, ever, but I know that I can't wait to live out my dream. Where ever I am going, for what ever reason I will go there, I am growing more determined and optimistic. I have this blog to give me ideas about writing a book. Desiring to share my testimony has always been something I have wanted to do. When I succeed it seems to never be enough, I always push harder to do more and help more people. When I was sad and down, for the first 13 years of my life, I was alone and scared. Nobody was there for me, I had to support myself. Had to put down the dolls and my silly daydreams because my parents where not whom they needed to be. But no regrets what-so-ever. I am a beautiful, strong, determined young woman because of all I have gone through.