Go Fetch

     For most kids, they go off of their parents religion, political standpoint-the list never ends. Eventually the child has to grow up, and search for their own reality. I will never make my children believe what I believe. But I will make sure they know the difference between following what I believe, and listening to what I say.
       I did not latch on to my parents beliefs, thank God, so there for I have my own ideas. My own proof and my own sense of security. If I say that I don't want to do something, I should not have to explain my reasoning. Just because I am young does not mean that I am illiterate. I can not be changed un-willingly, there for, when I say no, I don't need to explain myself to you. Nor do I want to. You can say what you want, and I will do so also. I know myself best. So go fetch. I know what I want and what I don't. Just because I am not telling you does not mean that I don't know. Because I do. You want to be in control because my age does not grant me that freedom. You want to be the boss because you don't know how to not be anything less.
    My relationships will be 50/50. When I am not listened to I become sad because like I said earlier, my age does not grant me the position to simply ignore you. Even though my mouth longs to stay shut, my  mind reminds my body of the consequences that silence could create.
     I will never ever open up if I feel uneasy. Would you like to guess how I feel? I am very complex, I would love to open up to you. But because you can not understand my unique thought process and my outlook on life, I am, again, uneasy. I love you very much. Almost to a point of sadness. You will never understand me. That, my friend, is something I am sure of. In order to get my point across, I have to understand myself.
     There is a difference between knowing what you want, and not understanding. I do know what I want. But my mouth remains clamped shut, even though my mind is reminding my body that consequences lye ahead due to my beliefs. I am hard headed. I have tried to change. I am supposed  to be this way. I am head strong. I can not, never have, and never will back down.
    I should not have to explain myself to you, because I don't want to. If I wanted to share with you, I would have. I don't need your permission to share, so don't feel obligated to tell me that you can handle the truth. Because you can't. Because I can't. You don't even have the slightest clue. The more you think you know, is actually the less you know. The more you think your getting somewhere, is the colder you get from the things that matter most. And that is waiting for me to tell you. So don't assume. You will know when I am ready to share. I may never come around, and that is fine. Because I have forgiven myself long ago and no longer need direction.
    I don't think it's fair to take advantage of my age. Because I am young, you feel the need to put in your two cent, even though I don't need it. You only say the things you do to make yourself feel better. You know that I don't need your silly thoughts, but you say what you say because if something were to happen, at least you could say: " See, told ya so!". But I am not worried. I have comfort and peace.
    In a sad way I question my honesty. Am I lying to myself? Am I only honest because if I am anything less I feel horrible inside? I wish I could lie. Don't get me wrong, I can. And can do a pretty good job at it. It's just I always eventually come clean. That is the part that is the worst. Seeing disappointed looks in the shallow eyes of  loved ones whom I have secretly sworn to protect and love.
They also then wonder if I am whom I say I am. There are too many parts of me that are confusing. I can see how people get the wrong idea...